Love & War: Fighting Fair

Hi. My name is Nicole. I know how to verbally fight. I know how to verbally fight very well. I know how to articulate my anger into words and aim those words at people with the intention to hurt their soul. I don’t know how to apologize for using my words inappropriately. I don’t know how to stop myself once I get started. And this is my downfall. Does this sound familiar? Maybe yes, maybe no. But for me this was my reality. I didn’t fight fair.

I found that my husband is not a talker when he’s angry and I am. I want to get everything off of my chest and let him know, all while using large words how upset I am with the situation or his actions. Then I would go for the jugular. I would become so mean that I would find myself yelling, saying mean things, not knowing when to stop and losing the ability to control myself. In the end we would be so angry with each other because he would respond to my rants and I would realize that I said some stuff that couldn’t be taken back even if I tried. But why?

The reason why I lashed out on a verbal attack when my husband and I would fight was because I felt the need to be heard. In my past relationship, I was never heard and was physically silenced and abused. This time around, my husband wasn’t physically abusive, but I had adopted a defense mechanism of being verbally abusive and refusing to be silenced. And took every bit of anger out on him. I would lose it.

It took for me getting so angry that I threw something at my husband and realized that I almost hurt him. I realized that I was going to lose my husband and he would have every right to leave me. Abuse should be tolerated by either party.  I had to help myself heal. My hurt and anger wasn’t his issue and he deserved better.

Hurt People, HURT people

We have all heard it before. If you’ve been hurt, then you have a disposition to make others feel the pain that you have. I was hurt and had yet to deal with it. I needed for someone to tell me that my past didn’t belong in my present, nor the future. I also needed someone to stop me and say “go easy” because it just wasn’t that serious. Understand that when an argument ensues, we have to check our anger at the door. We as women are crafty with our words and can easily spit some of the most venomous filled rants that a man may have no recourse for. So check the reason why you’re angry, check who is the real recipient of your anger and relax. It’s so much easier.

Agreeing to Disagree…Ain’t Easy

I am not the one to apologize, or at least if I truly believe that I’m right. But I had to learn how to agree to disagree. When my husband and I would argue, and I felt that he was wrong about something, I’d take it so far as to go to Google TM  to prove him all the way wrong. I had to show him who was right. Me! WRONG, wrong, wrong on so many levels. Me trying to always be right didn’t help with anything. It helped continue the tension and the anger, but didn’t resolve the issue at all. So I began to learn that it’s okay for me to be wrong. Its okay for him to be right. But more importantly, I learned that we can disagree and still remain in love. We can disagree and coexist without unnecessary tension. Simply put, and I’ll say it AGAIN its okay to let it go.

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