Love & War: No one warned me

Love HurtsSo how come no one told me? I mean no one let me in on the realness of what marriage would, could, and should (in certain instances) be. There are so many secrets to marriage that we don’t get to see. Those marriages that I hoped mine would be like, they had inner secrets that you didn’t see. These are the things that all of the beautiful dresses, perfect family portraits, pristine dinner parties, and classic home with a picket fence cover up. The realness of how the goods times may not trump the bad. How sometimes it looks like there is no way to fix it. I just wish the answers would have been provided to me before I said “I-Do”.

All of these secrets I’ve experienced in my marriage. I walked into this relationship not understanding where to draw the line and when not to cross existing ones. I had to re-train myself on how to operate as a unit. How to present myself as a wife and not a single woman. How to resolve issues and not let our dirt & dust show to the world.

Many of us have had an argument with our husband at some point in time. If you haven’t, I would say you are lucky, but find it odd as well. We will come back to this. For me, I have chosen to argue about some of the most idiotic things I can think of. As I’ve grown, I can now look back and laugh, but when we were arguing, it damn sure wasn’t funny. But I would never want anyone else to know we argue.

I never wanted anyone else to see in our closets, drag out our bones, and prance them around for everyone to see and judge. But its needed. Its needed because the past continually repeats itself until we learn to do better. My anger was where I needed to “do better”. The littlest things set me off and it was no stopping me from there. I’m okay with exposing my faults so they don’t become your faults. If anything, you learn how to prevent my mistakes from becoming your shortcomings.

If I could go back in time, I would ask for an older, married woman to sit me down and tell me “there will be days like this”. Not to discourage me from marriage, but to give me a real life picture into the future. We have the “sex” talk, the “drug” talk, the “love” talk, but never the marriage talk. Let’s change this and provide our kids with the realness of love.

What I’ve come to learn is that real love isn’t always pretty. It hurts sometimes. It hurts because you would give anything and everything for this person, but when you feel undervalued or not appreciated for all that you’ve given, done, or said, it cuts like a knife in your back. You want to shout, kick, and throw things to demonstrate how angry love has made you.

I wanted a red light, a siren, a warning of some sort to let me know that there would be the moments that felt “unfixable”, the times where I wanted to walk away but needed to stay, and for some of us the moment where you knew things had gone too far. I do realize that many are scared to admit their faults because failure isn’t attractive to most, but it is the truth. We all fail.

So in the end, I have to be honest…my marriage hasn’t failed. Not by any means, but we’ve had our rough patches. So for my next few posts, I’ll open myself up to you. If you’ve experienced it, then you feel my pain, if not, then learn from mistakes, but either way I hope you receive something from the pain and lessons I’ve felt & learned.

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