So after all of my list and wishing for the perfect man, I had to realize that I myself was not perfect (and would never be)! I did realize that his flaws matched mine perfectly. My flaws were recognized and I had to admit to myself that I needed some fixing…
The (Unobtainable) Lists – THEY WERE CRAZY!
As I mentioned, I was lucky to find that my husband was a perfect match for all of the top items of my list that I made when I was fifteen years old. He was perfect for the young me (sounds a little perv-ish) and is even better for the me now. But what bout the other seventy items I had listed? Would he have met all of those expectations? Were my expectations realistic? And where did these expectations come from? I honestly don’t know.
After looking at the full list, I realized that I didn’t even meet all of the things on my list, so how could I request that someone else be so perfect? Some of the outrageous things I had were “Must know how to change oil in a car” and “Must be able to fix everything in the house”. Now, realistically, there is nothing wrong with having a handy man, but in life, all men are not handy. My husband is one of these men.
Now to make up for him not being handy, he’s willing to call the best handy-man to come and complete the repair, and I appreciate him for that. I’m okay with this, but are you?
All of those little things that you had on your “perfect man” list, have you let them go? Have you let your husband be himself and you be appreciative of these traits?
You may not even realize that you are holding your husband to an unobtainable list of wants that he doesn’t even know exist. You want your husband to have a certain career. You want your husband to go back to school. You want your husband to be a certain weight. But first ask yourself, have you done these things for yourself. If you cannot even list where you have accomplished these tasks, then why is it fair to hold him to the fire for these things.
Leave the Lists Alone
Your husband isn’t a Build-A-Man he is The Man that you chose to give your heart too, so let your lists go. Let him be who he is as you committed to being supportive of that person. Embrace the great qualities that he does possess and work with him to improve in areas that he seeks to improve. If I worked as hard on myself as I initially tried to with then I’d be in amazing shape, with perfect hair, and have more education that any one person would need. However, I didn’t and settled with being comfortable with my skills and making the choice to improve what is within my power. So, with your support, love, and encouragement, he can do nothing but be great.
Focus on Measures that Matter
I used to get so angry when my husband couldn’t fix or do something like my father did. Why didn’t he know how to do it? But this would only leave us angry at each other. He would be frustrated that I didn’t believe in his ability and me frustrated because something didn’t get done the way I wanted. He began to let me know how it made him feel like he didn’t measure up. Like he wasn’t a great husband. Because I focused on the negative, I forgot all of the things that he did well. He could do twenty things right and I focused on the one thing that was wrong, but what did I do wrong?
I hate cleaning bathrooms. I will do it because it needs to be done, but I despise it. My husband can clean like no one I’ve ever seen. He is extremely thorough and does a wonderful job. Same with making a bed, I can make our bed up, but I am not the best at tucking sheets. However, my husband does it with military precision. I love when he straightens our room up. Its gorgeous. Now, does my lack of bathroom cleaning and bed making overshadow all that I can do well. I would hope he hasn’t held me to those things. But how would I feel if he did?
What if you can’t cook. Ok. And you may have your own style of cleaning. Oh well. And let’s say you don’t like all of the shows he likes. So sue you. Do any of these things make you a bad wife? No. Would you like to be held to these measures? I’m sure you wouldn’t. So don’t hold him to any as well. Love him as he is….