When I was in middle school and high school, we used to make lists of what we wanted in our perfect man. I can remember writing about eighty things, yes eighty, in a spiral bound notebook that I felt like the perfect man must have in order to be the “perfect man” for me. These things ranged from how tall, his skin color, his annual income, the type of car he drove, what his teeth looked like, I mean the list was exhaustive.
Around the time I met my current husband, I recall finding my list while digging through some things at my parents house. What amazed me was that my boyfriend at that time (now husband) had damn near all of the things I listed in my top ten on my list. He was the right height, right skin tone, he had a job, he had his own car, he had a good job, he came from a good family, he was educated, he had white pretty teeth, and he loved me for me. WOW!!! I had lucked up or had I? I actually didn’t, but what I came to realize was that my list was based off what a 15 year old thought she needed and most of them were what I didn’t possess. I am short, so I wanted someone taller than me. I was in braces at that time, so I wanted someone who already had their teeth worked out. Hilarious, as I could go on and on. In the end, I wanted someone to complete me. To fill in the gaps in my life, but there were so many more areas that my husband fulfilled that I wouldn’t have even imagined listing at that time.
What I’m getting as is that, whether we create a physical list or a mental list, we all had some idea of what our husbands needed to be before we met them; however sometimes we don’t let go of those “lists” and cause them to get in the way of our happiness. We allow our wants and desires to get in the way of seeing and appreciating what we already have in front of us.
The (Unobtainable) Lists
As I mentioned, I was lucky to find that my husband was a perfect match for all of the top items of my list that I made when I was fifteen years old. He was perfect for the young me (sounds a little perv-ish) and is even better for the me now. But what bout the other seventy items I had listed? Would he have met all of those expectations? Were my expectations realistic? And where did these expectations come from? I honestly don’t know.
After looking at the full list, I realized that I didn’t even meet all of the things on my list, so how could I request that someone else be so perfect? Some of the outrageous things I had were “Must know how to change oil in a car” and “Must be able to fix everything in the house”. Now, realistically, there is nothing wrong with having a handy man, but in life, all men are not handy. My husband is one of these men. Now to make up for him not being handy, he’s willing to call the best handy-man to come and complete the repair, and I appreciate him for that. I’m okay with this, but are you?
All of those little things that you had on your “perfect man” list, have you let them go? Have you let your husband be himself and you be appreciative of these traits?
You may not even realize that you are holding your husband to an unobtainable list of wants that he doesn’t even know exist. You want your husband to have a certain career. You want your husband to go back to school. You want your husband to be a certain weight. But first ask yourself, have you done these things for yourself. If you cannot even list where you have accomplished these tasks, then why is it fair to hold him to the fire for these things.
Leave the List for the To-Do’s
Your husband isn’t a Build-A-Man he is The Man that you chose to give your heart too, so let your lists go. Let him be who he is as you committed to being supportive of that person. Embrace the great qualities that he does possess and work with him to improve in areas that he seeks to improve. With your support, love, and encouragement, he can do nothing but be great.